Adopting Aliyah - Part 2

One thing I forgot to mention is that Randy was leaving for a 10-day mission’s trip to Moldova on Friday, June 25th. (Moldova lies between Romania and the Ukraine.) This was to be a first-time mission’s experience for Randy. We learned about this opportunity for Randy to be involved in a martial arts camp ministry within days of our decision to pursue adoption and get going on the paperwork. At the time, I felt a little frustrated that this trip was distracting Randy and would possibly take time and money away from the adoption. I thought it was a great opportunity for him, but wasn’t very pleased about the timing of it. As our story progresses, you will see how God used this trip for Aliyah’s adoption. It became an integral part of our story.

We arrived in F. at noon on Tuesday with our lists of questions in hand. First, we met with Doris. Gretchen joined us briefly to provide more information about the case. She had recently received Aliyah’s medical records from Duke (500 pages) and proceeded to read to us bits and pieces of the first documents detailing Aliyah’s birth experience and some of her stay in the NICU. We could not review the documents on our own because this was to be a closed adoption. All of the last names of the birth family on all 500 pages would have to be marked out. There had been no time for this to be done. What we learned was that Aliyah experienced Hypoxic Ischemic Encephalopathy during her birth: Damage to cells in the central nervous system (the brain and spinal cord) from inadequate oxygen. This was the reason that she likely had CP. We also learned that she was in the NICU for a month before going home with her birthmother. The reason for her NICU stay was somewhat unclear, but seemed related to difficulty with sucking and feeding issues. There were statements made that alluded to a situation where the birthmother was somewhat distant and not very involved in Aliyah’s care. Gretchen had seen Aliyah perhaps 3 or 4 weeks prior to this and had noticed that there didn’t seem to be an emotional connection between her and her mother…a lack of bonding and attachment. Under the circumstances, it seemed like the sooner Aliyah was placed into a nurturing, stimulating environment the better. While Randy and I continued our conversation with Doris, Gretchen went to meet the birthmother at a coffee shop to show her our profile book. Doris expressed earlier that she wanted to approach this case carefully due to the special needs of the baby. She wanted to make sure that the baby's medical situation was fully understood before an adoptive family made that "Yes" decision. We learned that there had been no prenatal exposure to drugs, alcohol, or tobacco while in the womb. We talked about issues related to having a trans-racial family. We talked about the feelings of our extended family and our church family in regards to accepting an African-American and special needs child. We also talked about our level of preparedness for a special needs child. In regards to receiving detailed information about Aliyah, the general consensus was that we would find out whatever we needed/wanted to know directly from the birthmother herself. I asked about seeing Aliyah, but was discouraged from ruining that surprising and exciting moment of meeting our daughter for the first time…if she was to be our daughter.

Aliyah’s birthmother wanted to meet us after seeing our profile album, so she and Gretchen joined Doris, Randy, and me at the hotel. The meeting was definitely awkward, but surprisingly pleasant under the circumstances. Doris and Gretchen did a great job at keeping the conversation going and inserting comic relief at the appropriate times. Randy and I were definitely nervous, but I think the birthmother was about 10 times more nervous than we were. She was a cute, young girl. I liked her! I was very happy to meet her. I wanted to get to know her a little bit, get a feel for her interests and talents…whatever information I could gather to share with Aliyah when she was older. I knew it would be important to her some day. The birthmother’s name was Val. I liked that because that is what I call my sister. I found out later that Val has a sister that is 3 years older than her, as is mine, whose middle name is Lynette. My guess is that when she saw my name on our profile album, maybe she felt good about the family name connection, too. We were told that the things that appealed to her from our profile album were our interest in hiking, outdoor fun, acreage for the kids to play on, and our enjoyment of playing card games as a family. Based on our questions for the birthmother, this is what we learned about Aliyah. Her birth name was Aniyah. (Notice that it is only one letter different from the name that we had chosen for our future adopted daughter a few months prior. Aniyah is a Hebrew name meaning “God answered”. Aliyah is also a Hebrew word that means “to ascend or go up”. The Jewish people use it to refer to the act of Jewish people relocating and returning “home” to Israel. We believe that God heard our daughter’s cries and answered them by bringing her home to us.) Back to what we learned about Aliyah from the birthmother…She likes to cuddle and be held. She eats Enfamil A.R. due to reflux and requires a slow flow nipple. She uses any kind of bottle and has no special blanket. She weighs 14 pounds. Her birthdate is January 1, 2010. She was the first baby born in North Carolina in 2010 and received quite a bit of fanfare. (Randy and I committed to the ministry of adoption by mailing in our Preliminary Application on Dec. 31st, 2009. It arrived at the agency on Jan.2nd, 2010. Aliyah was born at 12:05am on January 1st, 2010.) She smiles, laughs, rolls over, reaches for toys, and has good head control. She does not have any eating difficulties or digestive issues. Her G-tube is supposed to be switched out to a Mic-Key button on June 29th up at Duke. She takes a bottle very well. She likes to be held in a cradle hold for sleeping and tummy-to-tummy in the daytime. She likes the swing, but hates baths and physical therapy exercises. She startles very easily and will cry in a panic, but is easily soothed by picking up and holding. She does not have colic. She likes bright colors, movement, and classical music. She travels well in the car. She doesn’t have sleeping difficulties. Her temperament is pretty mild and easygoing. As long as she is being held, she is happy. She gets a muscle relaxant medication in her bottle once a day. Oh, and she is very stiff. We asked the birthmother about herself, her interests and plans for the future. We also talked a little bit about the birthmother and birthfather’s medical history and learned that there are no allergies or asthma in Aliyah’s family background. Good news! :-) At the end of our meeting, I gave Val a hug and Gretchen walked her out to her car. When Gretchen returned, she said that Val approved of us and it was now time for us to make a decision. We talked together about how the meeting with Val went and whether there were any “red flags” for Randy and me. We felt really good about everything we heard. The only comment that bothered me a little bit was the one about Aliyah being “very stiff”. We all felt like this was probably an exaggeration on the girl’s part because it didn’t fit with all the developmental milestones that Aliyah had mastered. We left the hotel with Doris knowing that we would be calling her with our answer. I was feeling somewhat nervous and hesitant inside…perhaps still a little afraid to make a decision that could change my life and my family in ways I didn’t even know. Randy, on the other hand, felt very confident in saying “Yes”. It was very odd to me that we were switching roles. Randy tends to be more cautious, nervous, and anxious about new experiences. What was going on here? Following Randy’s lead, I picked up the cell phone and called Doris. I told her our answer was “Yes”. She replied, “O.K. When?” I said, “Ideally, before Randy leaves on his mission’s trip.” (This was late Tuesday afternoon.) She asked what time he had to be at the airport on Friday. “Noon at the RDU airport.” She said that Gretchen would talk to the birthmother and see what they could arrange. The birthfather still had not signed the relinquishment papers and that was critical to move things along.

On the following morning, Wednesday, June 23rd, I took the kids to swimming lessons for the first time this summer. I saw a Caucasian lady who had an African boy in a stroller and an Asian girl by her side. Clearly, she was an adoptive mom. She sat next to an African-American lady with a preschool girl with her that had a super-cute hair-do. I just felt strongly that I needed to go talk to them and ask for help…not knowing anything about caring for African hair/skin etc. Both ladies were very kind and helpful. Oh, and guess what…the African-American lady was involved in administration at the Stepping Stones Children’s Developmental Center in our town which is run by the United Cerebral Palsy Foundation. She told me step by step who to contact and in what order to get appropriate developmental screening and services for Aliyah. She also gave me some good information about our insurance company and what we would need to do to get the services that she’ll need. Is this not God just dropping helpful people and information in my lap, affirming our decision, and letting me know that He will take care of the details…that “Yes”, I can trust Him. “Lynette, this is my plan for your family and I will be with you helping you every step of the way. This may be a surprise to you, but it is not a surprise to Me.”

We heard from Doris that day; we would be going back to F. to get our nearly 6-month-old baby girl on the following day, Thursday afternoon. We had to get an infant car seat fast! The agency recommended getting a very supportive car seat that holds babies rear-facing until they’re 30 or 35 pounds because of Aliyah’s muscular condition. A friend recommended that I look on craigslist.com so I wouldn’t have to pay $180 for a new one. On Wednesday morning, I found the car seat we needed with two bases for only $50. I corresponded with the owner several times trying to arrange how I could pick it up that day. I needed to pick up Randy at work at 5:15pm and was hoping to pick the car seat up in the town nearby prior to that. When I told the man the location I would be meeting my husband, he said he was planning to drop off stuff at a recycle center just a few minutes up the road from there that very afternoon and would be happy to meet me there. It may sound like a mere coincidence, but I believe God was being kind to us. Time to get ready was not one of the things we had a lot of and God was so kind to make things quick and easy for us. If I would have had to pick it up at the man’s house, it would have taken an hour and a half of our time instead of 3 minutes. Keep in mind that Randy was preparing to pack and leave for his trip, as well. We returned home that evening after finishing up cornhole boards for the Moldova trip and a home-made Moby Wrap for Aliyah. It was time to pack the diaper bag for Aliyah’s homecoming the following day, June 24th. I was getting excited!