Adopting Aliyah - Part 3

With the car seat and diaper bag in the car, we met Doris at a hotel in F. at 1:00pm on Thursday to fill out paperwork. Gretchen was with the birthmom in another location waiting for the birthfather to come and sign away his rights. They waited for 4 hours for him to show up! Randy and I had finished signing the adoption paperwork and were just sitting and chatting with Doris for over an hour and a half…waiting…not really sure if the adoption was going through after all. The birthfather had to sign or they wouldn’t let it happen. We learned a little bit more about the birthfather during this time. We found out that both of his parents were Jamaican which meant our little baby girl was half Jamaican/half African-American. I couldn’t believe it! I thought that was wonderful! I have a fair amount of Jamaican décor/souvenirs from my mission trip there 15 years ago. So cool! We were told that he finally showed up to sign the documents. Apparently, he had been getting his hair done…dreadlocks or something like that. :-) Gretchen took a picture of him for us, but we haven’t seen it yet.

Gretchen and Diane, who was filling the position of notary, joined Doris, Randy, and me at the hotel and we waited in great anticipation for the birthmom to arrive. I couldn’t wait to see our baby! What would she look like? Would she already have a lot of curly black hair for me to play with? Would it take her long to bond with me? I couldn’t wait to hold her, cuddle with her, and see her smile. When the birthmom arrived, she had her mother and sister with her. I was very happy they had come. I was especially hoping to meet her mother, because we gathered that she had been highly involved in Aliyah’s care. I wanted to have the opportunity to thank her for helping care for our girl over the past 5 months. I knew that it was likely that she was the main person that Aliyah bonded with. If my grandbaby was being placed for adoption, I would definitely want to see the family who was adopting her. The four of them entered the hotel lobby quite a distance from where we were sitting. Val, the birthmom, was holding Aliyah in her arms in a fleece blanket. She wasn’t wrapped up, but I couldn’t see her. As I approached them to get a first peak at my daughter, I noticed that Val’s mom and sister were holding tissues in their hands and looked a bit teary eyed. I smiled and greeted Val as I approached her. When I looked down at my daughter for the first time, I was shocked and scared by what I saw. There was no joy in that moment for me, and that still makes me very sad. She was no bigger than a newborn baby. Her eyes looked huge and disproportionate to the size of her face. I later learned that they were bulging because of dehydration. Her face was ashen, very thin and drawn, not the little chubby cheeks you would expect on a 6-month old. She was wearing a short sleeved shirt and footed knit pants. Val handed her over to me. Aliyah’s whole body was as stiff as a board… and that is no exaggeration. Her legs were like two little toothpicks sticking straight out, immovable. Her hips did not flex and her back was rigid. I couldn’t even pull her in to my body to cuddle with her because she was so stiff. Her eyes were wide open and looking around, though they seemed kind of glazed over and didn’t track very well. The rest of her tiny body was frozen. Only her eyes moved. As I walked towards Randy to show her to him, I felt like I was in a daze. I was smiling on the outside because that is what newly adoptive parents are supposed to do, but on the inside I felt a cross between numbness and panic. Somewhere in the blur of my mind, I was thinking that she can’t possibly weigh 14 pounds. All that we had been told and the little person that I was holding in my arms did not add up. I knew that something was desperately wrong, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. As I sat next to Randy, everyone else pulled up a seat into a circle. I was holding Aliyah on my lap with her head cradled in my two hands so Randy and I could get a good look at her. I knew I was expected to say something. I just stared at her thinking, “I’ve got to find something about her to compliment…something…look hard Lynette…look!” The first thing I noticed was her eyelashes. They were long and curled up beautifully. So, I mentioned that out loud. “She has pretty, curly eyelashes.” I knew that Aliyah’s family was waiting to hear reassurances that we would accept this little girl, especially since she was somewhat of an embarrassment to their own family. I looked again. Oh, her hair. I felt it. It was soft and kinky curly. She had quite a lot of it. “I like her hair. This is going to be fun to play with.” I said to myself, “What else, Lynette, what else?” Her lips. “She has the cutest little lips.” During this agonizing process, Randy noticed that her eyes had locked onto his face and she completely captured his heart from that moment. He asked to hold her, so I transferred her to his arms. As Gretchen and the others were talking together, Doris came up behind me and quietly asked me if Aliyah was what I expected. I said, “No.” Then she asked if it was worse than I expected. In all honesty, I said, “Yes.”

The birthmother left briefly and came back with a tote filled with items that would go home with Aliyah. She pulled out plastic baggies filled with various medicines. She also pulled out a couple of large jars of medicine. She mentioned that one was the muscle relaxant (Baclofen). I asked to see it and commented on how large the bottle was. She mentioned that it was really expensive and not easy to get a hold of. The instructions on the front of the bottle were very complicated, but I gathered enough to realize that Aliyah needed it 3 times a day…not just once a day…I remember that thought being a little overwhelming at the moment. The true situation was slowly unfolding. I asked when she had received her last dosage and was told it was at 2:00pm. The birthmother then showed me a notebook of information from the NICU at Duke Hospital, some information about an early intervention program that was just about to start physical therapy with Aliyah on a weekly basis, and a pamphlet of exercises to do with Aliyah at every other diaper change. While Randy was holding Aliyah, the birthmother and her family commented on how calm Aliyah was. Apparently, regular fussing was quite typical. They also showed surprise at how relaxed her arms seemed to be. Her arms were bent at the elbows with her hands fisted. There was a slight gap between her upper arms and torso which they found to be pretty remarkable. The birthmother mentioned that she would put a washcloth under Aliyah’s arm and thread the end of it through the handle on Aliyah’s pacifier to keep it in her mouth so she would sleep longer. She held her upper arms so tightly to her side that the washcloth would easily stay in place. The family also laughingly mentioned that the birthmother would scold them if they didn’t tiptoe around the house or even if they needed to sneeze in an effort to keep Aliyah from waking up. They said that she slept most of the time, also mentioning that she loved to eat and was very greedy. After the chitchat, it was picture time. Pictures were taken of Randy and me with the birthmother and also with the birthmother’s mom and sister. There was a lot of smiling for the camera. It was time for the birth family to leave. As they were getting up and heading toward the door, I approached them while holding Aliyah. The grandma and aunt were starting to tear up again and I noticed that Val was starting to tear up as well. This was the first time I had seen tears from her. I felt myself choking up a little at this moment…feeling their struggle. I asked her if she would like to hold Aliyah before she left and she kind of half turned away from me with somewhat of a grimace and shook her head. I said, “Well, we’ll both give you a hug then.” And I gave her a squeeze with Aliyah in my arms. I think she said, “Thank you.” It was all kind of a blur. I gave hugs, with Aliyah, to the grandma and aunt, as well. I specifically told the grandma that I was thankful for her help in caring for Aliyah during those 5 months. She quietly expressed her gratitude and confidence in our willingness and ability to care for her. After they exited the building, Randy left to pull the van up the sidewalk. Gretchen had to verify that we had a car seat and that it was installed accurately. While we were waiting outside, Doris mentioned that Diane, the notary, was also a nurse and we could call her with any questions that we might have. Gretchen and Diane were very smiley and optimistic, but Doris looked quite concerned and said to call her the next day. Randy told me later that she had pulled him aside at the hotel and said, “Call me tomorrow and we will talk.” Well, Randy did an awesome job at putting that car seat in and cranking it down, so we just needed to get the baby in it and we could go pick up the kids from Nana’s house and head towards home. Putting Aliyah in the car seat proved to be quite difficult. Her tiny body was so stiff; she could hardly be bent at the hips. I was struggling with it, not wanting to hurt Aliyah, so Gretchen took over and managed to get her in. Her bottom didn’t even come close to nestling in the seat because of her rigidity. There was quite a gap, but she was buckled in. We thanked the three ladies from the agency for their help and I took my place in the middle seat next to Aliyah for the drive home. As Randy started driving, the first thing I did was ask Randy for the cell phone. He asked who I was calling. I said that I had to call Kristin. She is a dear friend from church. She and her husband had been walking through this whole adoption process both Randy and me. We went to the adoption information meeting together back in December, chose the same agency, and had been going through every step of the process together. Kristin has been a constant encouragement to me during this time. When doubt or worry or fears threaten to distract me from the journey God has laid out for me, she is always there to remind me of the truths of God’s Word. What is God’s character like, what are His promises, what is the Truth, and will I believe it…will I hold on to those truths and continue following Him in obedience to what He has called me to do? We had actually seen Kristin and Davin at the hotel that very afternoon, only three hours prior. They were just leaving from a meeting with Doris that would make them an official waiting adoptive couple. We said a quick Hi-Bye to them in the parking lot with an excited hug and went in to meet with Doris ourselves…now I was calling three hours later with the news…As I started sharing with her about our new daughter, as I started verbalizing my thoughts and feelings, the shock began to turn into panic. The tears started to flow, sobs overcame me in waves, and it would not stop.